another old letter to GWB (Gypsum Wallboard?)

February 17, 2003

Mr. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500


Mr. Bush: I am an extremely concerned citizen. With the Terror Threat set at Orange I see that you and other important administration officials are still bravely appearing in public to explain to the brainless populace why we should be scared all the time, every day, every night and why the only route to Homeland Security is through carpet bombing Baghdad. With the imminent threat of Iraqi nuclear, chemical and biological weapons ready to strike anywhere in the US at any moment, I would assume that you and your important henchpeople could be wiped out at any moment. I was heartened to see that Mr. Ridge has used his cabinet level position to come up with an ingenious defense of the homeland using plastic and duct tape [how dare those skeptics suggest that American ingenuity is on the wane]. This spurred my invention (for which I am considering applying for a patent). I think there is an immediate need for an effective form of protection for all top people in the administration. I also recognize that with all the important cuts in taxes for the affluent and critical increases in the military budget, there is probably only about $3.50 to spend on new government programs in the next decade. So I have come up with the:

The Affordable Portable Chemical and Biological Warfare Shield
All important Whitehouse personnel shall be issued with a clear plastic bag. In the event of an orange or red alert, they shall cover their head with the bag and seal it (with duct tape or a rubber band). They can then go about their business with the assurance that they are protected from the Iraqi Menace. When the alert level is lowered to less than orange they can undo their personal Chemical and Biological Warfare Shield. I am sure that when your supporters see you and your aides successfully deploying this technology, they will follow suit.

Sincerely,


Nic