Papal Job Application
I sent in my job appliaction about a week before the conclave. I am still waiting to hear back. Here it is:
Dear Vatican Spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls:
I would like to submit my candidacy for Pope. I know that as a non-cardinal, non-Catholic, non-Christian, atheist brought up in an Anglican family, I would not be considered a leading candidate. But hear me out:
I think that Jesus was one of the great philosophers of all time and that his teachings do lay out a path to a more peaceful world. As I do not believe in the afterlife, I will be completely dedicated to making "heaven on earth" through the power of the papacy, not putting off anything for later. I have no commitment to any doctrine and would simply use Jesus' teachings as a guide to determine proper church doctrine for the times we live in. Although it is probably bad form to lay out a platform, I think there are some huge challenges ahead for the church and it is only fair that you know how your next Pope will act on these issues.
1) Improving the lot of the poor. This was Jesus' main focus and it should remain the main purpose of the church. I would have the "liberation theologians" from Latin America set the agenda for the church world wide. They seem to get the true meaning of what Jesus taught.
2) Birth Control. Birth control is a must. Multiple unwanted pregnancies oppress the poor in general and women in particular. Specifically, condoms are critical. They are quite simply life-savers for millions of people in this era of the plague of AIDS.
3) Sexual abuse by priests. First: allow for the ordination of women. Hardly ever do women get into abusing children. Second: abolish celibacy for priests and allow them to marry. Let's face it, guys don't do celibacy very well, it makes us angry and crazy. The best priests that I knew as a child in the Anglican Church were all happily married. The old single ones were often pretty creepy. Third: don't use the church to protect and hide priests accused of crimes, it is so obviously wrong.
I must admit that one reason I want to allow priests to marry is that I secretly hope that you will marry the poetically named NPR reporter Lourdes Garcia-Navarro, who could then be Lourdes Garcia-Navarro-Navarro-Valls.
I guarantee you that the Vatican will be a whole lot more fun if I'm in charge than if some up-tight Cardinal like Joseph Ratzinger takes over.
One last thing: I have a plan to make millions of dollars for the church, simply by being elected Pope. As you can see from the attached file (this I cannot figure out, how to copy the image of the Popalooza 2005 betting pool), people in the US will gamble on anything. The bookies in Las Vegas will lay odds on just about anything. I'll bet that you could get 10 million to one on my getting elected Pope. A modest bet of $50M from the Vatican treasury would net $500,000 Billion.
Good luck in the conclave.
Nic Rossouw
Dear Vatican Spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls:
I would like to submit my candidacy for Pope. I know that as a non-cardinal, non-Catholic, non-Christian, atheist brought up in an Anglican family, I would not be considered a leading candidate. But hear me out:
I think that Jesus was one of the great philosophers of all time and that his teachings do lay out a path to a more peaceful world. As I do not believe in the afterlife, I will be completely dedicated to making "heaven on earth" through the power of the papacy, not putting off anything for later. I have no commitment to any doctrine and would simply use Jesus' teachings as a guide to determine proper church doctrine for the times we live in. Although it is probably bad form to lay out a platform, I think there are some huge challenges ahead for the church and it is only fair that you know how your next Pope will act on these issues.
1) Improving the lot of the poor. This was Jesus' main focus and it should remain the main purpose of the church. I would have the "liberation theologians" from Latin America set the agenda for the church world wide. They seem to get the true meaning of what Jesus taught.
2) Birth Control. Birth control is a must. Multiple unwanted pregnancies oppress the poor in general and women in particular. Specifically, condoms are critical. They are quite simply life-savers for millions of people in this era of the plague of AIDS.
3) Sexual abuse by priests. First: allow for the ordination of women. Hardly ever do women get into abusing children. Second: abolish celibacy for priests and allow them to marry. Let's face it, guys don't do celibacy very well, it makes us angry and crazy. The best priests that I knew as a child in the Anglican Church were all happily married. The old single ones were often pretty creepy. Third: don't use the church to protect and hide priests accused of crimes, it is so obviously wrong.
I must admit that one reason I want to allow priests to marry is that I secretly hope that you will marry the poetically named NPR reporter Lourdes Garcia-Navarro, who could then be Lourdes Garcia-Navarro-Navarro-Valls.
I guarantee you that the Vatican will be a whole lot more fun if I'm in charge than if some up-tight Cardinal like Joseph Ratzinger takes over.
One last thing: I have a plan to make millions of dollars for the church, simply by being elected Pope. As you can see from the attached file (this I cannot figure out, how to copy the image of the Popalooza 2005 betting pool), people in the US will gamble on anything. The bookies in Las Vegas will lay odds on just about anything. I'll bet that you could get 10 million to one on my getting elected Pope. A modest bet of $50M from the Vatican treasury would net $500,000 Billion.
Good luck in the conclave.
Nic Rossouw
posted by nic rossouw at
12:17 PM
